working thru fears

i am scared to death to get close to people. we either have to be related or good friends. i have problems with opening up to people. i keep trying but something in me wont let me close to people. i guess i need to knock down all the walls that surround me, simply because no one can do it for me. i have to do this on my own. when i meet someone i try to maintain my sanity and not show parts of me. i dont wanna anyone to see the angry side of me, or the former alcholic side of me. both of those are not good things for me. i have worked thru both of those however. i worked thru being an alcoholic. most people would have pegged me as a drunk more than an alcoholic. i drank alot, and frequently for a long period of time. i was sober for over 2 years before i took a drink at a party. i did stop after one drink. i was the worst kind of alcohlic. i started to drink and didnt stop. i drank for days at a time, and hid it quite well. i chewed alot of gum and didnt really talk to people. i was working at sears so it was easy to hide. i started to sober up when i began working for cintas. working a job that requires you to drive everywhere, is not contusive to drinking. the other major factor was two small children named Caleb and Ian. my cousins. i love those kids and i want to be a positive role model for them. i want them to be able to look up to me. i cant have children of my own, so they are the ones that mean the most to me. dont get me wrong, if i ever have a partner that has children, i am sure that i would get attached to them. i just want someone to be able to take care of me when i am old. i dont wanna be the old person in the nursing home with no family. i am headed in that direction already. i am trying to stop it at the pass.
i think i am just gonna let me heart take the lead for a change. it is something that i need to do. thinking with my head has got me nowhere. i am gonna start thinking with my heart. while this may be a bad idea, i am still gonna do it. i am gonna see where it takes me.