the radio keeps playing the same song over and over

Why is it that I hear the same songs on the radio over and over.

between the work and the hurt and the whiskey

so, apparently work is going well. i dont see it. i am being told tho that is going good. i dont know. how can i when i have no cars. no cars. no cars no cars. do you see a pattern forming? i do. oh well.

cowboy in me

I don't know why I act the way I do
Like I ain't got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin' mad
At where this road I'm heading down might lead
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
Girl I know there's times you must have thought
There ain't a line you've drawn
I haven't crossed
But you set your mind to see this love on through
I guess that's just the cowboy in you
We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that's just the cowboy in us all

more random thoughts in my head

525600 journeys to plan how often do I cry?not enough a year. watching the kids grow up is wonderful but heartwrenching at the same time. I cant have kids, so everytime I see my nephews, I cry a little. I promised them a little cousin one day. Their cousin may very well be a Golden Retriver named Poncho Libre. I am listening to my Ipod. Its actually playing a Christman song. The sad thing is that I just rocked out to Whitney Houston singing Joy to the World. Ok, on to a new topic. I havent been feeling well lately. I have a couple doctors appointments next week. Maybe we can figure this all out. i dont say much about not feeling well. I have had the same metallic taste in my mouth for the past week. I had it last time I wound up in the ER for my stomach ulcer. I am hoping that its not back, but it very well could be. I weighed myself on Christmas Morning and I weighed 175, as of today I am 125. I dont know how I feel about this, espically since none of my clothes fit. The doctor and I will be discussing this too. I mean I wanted to lose some weight, but not like that. When I had the flu, I dropped about 10 pounds in a week. Then again I couldnt hold down food, so I figured that I would lose some weight. Wow. My Ipod is playing My Cherie Amour by Stevie Wonder. Its making me into more of a sap than normal! My dad and I talked last night about second chances. He asked what I thought about second chances. Well this is a good a forum as any I guess. I believe in second chances in some instances. I think that my drinking myself to death and managing to stop drinking was a second chance. I got a second chance to get my life right and get it out of the chaos it was headed for. I do believe that Caleb and Ian being born was a second chance for me. I had something to live for, and someone who would look up to me. I needed to get it right, the first time, since there would be no second chance. In a relationship tho, you should never have to ask for a second chance. If you can't/don't get it right the first time, what makes you think that you will the second time? Of course you will have your share of disagreements, we all do. Just don't let it get out of hand. If it's your fault say you are sorry. Sometimes saying your sorry won't help a situation. I am a personal fan of sending flowers or doing something sweet if I screw up. Most people seem to think that I will screw up in relationships, but I think I am finally getting the hang of it. All that I ask for, is just listen to me if I am upset and dont judge who I am because of where I am from. My family has a proud tradition of farming, and I have the upmost respect for it. So , don't insult it and we will be good. Some people change, not nessicarly for the better. I have changed over the past 2 years, and over the past 6 years. 6 years ago I was a mess of a person, working going to college in a very toxic relationship. (Which ended badly, very badly). I will be the first to admit that I have grown up alot over the past few years. I managed to nail down a good job and a good chance to make it. I have gotten alot farther that alot of people thought I would. At my class reunion, people were like, so you are working for a company, being successful? Who knew? I was voted most comical in school by the way, I know its shocking! More Stevie Wonder on the Ipod! I just called to say i love you. What a great song! I am a sap and I am the kind of person who would call and say hey, i love you, then hang up! HA. I need a second job. I have been helping out at my friends shop working on cars. I want him to hire me so I can work on weekends. Yeah, all I do is work, I am good at it. I told him that I would drive the wrecker for him at night if he wanted me too. I dont mind driving somewhere and towing a car. Just put it on the rollback and go. Thats all. Plus! I get another shirt with my name on it. Thats exciting. You gotta admit thats exciting. I need cars. I wanted to mention that I miss my cousin. She moved to Charleston with the kids. I miss them, I need to go to see her. She is my best friend, and has been there through it all. The chaos at UNC-Greensboro, me coming out, when mom died. I honestly think that if she hadn't be there that day with me and dad, that I would have lost it completly. Ok, now I am rambling. So, yeah I still cant believe the New Kids on the Block are back. I feel like I should do the New Kids dance. HA. Thats something to see on the camera at work.....yeah..... Maybe tonight at Time Out I can convince them to play something New Kids. I am a dork. Wow. I need cars.

I don't know what I was thinking when I seen her

I just had to find a way I could meet her

Cause I've been dying for the chance just to treat her

Like the ripe little peach she is

Wouldn't even cross my mind to deceive her

But she could lie through her teeth and I'd believe her

I don't know her but I know that I need her

And I don't think she's got a notion but

That's the girl I've been telling you about

Aint she everything I said and a whole lot more

She got it going on and I never want to be without her

That's the girl I've been telling you about

She's been spinning in my head like a revolving doorHer smile is like the sun and my wholeworld revolves around herI don't even think she knows how she moves meI can't explain it but she does something to meIf she ever looked she'd see right through meAnd I don't think that I could keep my coolI could tell her that I want to get to know herTake her places that I'd really like to show herBut I hear she's got somebody and he loves herAnd I don't think he's got a notion butThat's the girl I've been telling you aboutAint she everything I said and a whole lot moreShe's got it going on and I never want to be without herThat's the girl I've been telling you aboutShe's been living in my head like a recurring dreamHer smile is like the sun and my wholeworld revolves around herShe lives in my head from the start of my day till nightAnd every word that she says I'm hanging on to so tightThat's the girl I've been telling you about Aint she everything I said could you need much moreShe's got it going on and I never want to be without herThat's the girl I've been telling you aboutShe's been reigning in my head like a pouring stormHer smile is like the sun and my whole world revolves around herLike a soul in the wind I've beenlost since the day I found herWhat I'd give to be everything she needs like the air around herGot my arms open wide wish she knewthey belong around her

mud run

So, hows that for a mud run truck? I think its great! . And you all know I would drive the hell out of it.

drivin my life away

my friend Wesley drives a 18-wheeler. I am gonna ride with him in a few weeks to Texas and back in 3 days. This should be interesting. He said that this is a NO sightseeing tour! I said thats only fair. I have been to Texas and I have seen the sights in Dallas and Plano that I wanted to see. I saw Southfork Ranch (Dallas), and The Texas School Book Depository. I have my own theory about that, but thats another thought for another time. If had to move to Texas, i think I would be fine, its nice there......just hot. it was hot when i was there. it was also August.

How are we gonna get to Texas and back in 3 days? Thats what I wanna know. he is the expert tho.

beer and gasoline

its sad that beer is now cheaper than gasoline. i just wanted to share that.

if I ever had to write the story of my life

My mind is reeling, and my head is spining. how can one person make my head spin. i like it. except for the getting up to fast part and being dizzy, but its growing on me. i am trying not to screw up. I am saying what I need to say, and trying to make it clear. My thoughts are usually and incoherent mess. Much like my desk at work. Its a disaster. Oh well.
I put in for my vacation time today. I am not gonna be going anywhere, except to see my dad for a few days. I will be out of commision for several weeks later this year so I am gonna take one week that is worry free. I am taking it after Sept. 7th. (hunting season opens). I am sure I will spend a day or two in the top of a tree. We will see. I need to go get muddy soon. Be it in the mud run in the old Chevy or on the 4-wheeler. I always feel better when I go out and get dirty, or get grease on me. i need to change the oil in my car and get it inspected too. i keep forgetting. my car needs to be detailed (both of them, when the Buick gets out of the shop) and i said i would wash some other cars too. so, I plan to spend my saturday working on cars. be it underneath them or working on the motor or cleaning them. other than those few plans i have nothing planned for the weekend. drag show on friday night, probably something saturday night. i dont know what yet, but something. most likely, Time Out with Korbalicious. we shall see. ok off to rent more cars I dont have.

True Story-

Estee

dance class

i am thinking about taking a dance class. i know its cheesy but i want too. i wanna be able to do all those dances that i did cotilion. i am a dork. i know.

the gospel gun

So, I dont know where that title came from. yeah i do. it came from the song Sunday in the South. I am trying to get cars. I have a reservation at 5pm, and have no car. NO CAR! Its been like this all day. I am trying to find someone to give me a car, but no one will. its making me mad. Oh well. Nothing i can do.

its to the point where i am gonna have to take my car and part it somewhere and hope that i have a way to get to my car tonight. thats not a good thing tho. people dont understand that I would rather no drive my mazdaroddy all over to get a car, and then be taking the shoelace express back. Oh well. It will all work out. My area Manager is helping me to find cars. he said he would call right back. I havent heard from him. Oh well. What can I do?

somewhere in the vicinty of the heart

Thousand miles
Of lonesome highway
Drinking gallons of coffee in a little cafe
Brought me here, and it's so good to find there's someone who's got
The same story as mine
Just look at us, we're a couple hard cases
So how'd we end up where we are?
Somewhere in the vicinity of the heart
I feel somethin hittin me awful hard
I don't know where it's callin me
Well I just know it starts
Somewhere in the vicinity of the heart
Been so long
I can't believe I'd get somethin so sweet
Where an ache used to be, don't fall
If love anymore but I'd never met anyone like you before
Stay here with me for a couple more weeks
I think there's somethin goin' on
Somewhere in the vicinity of the heart
I feel somethin hittin me awful hard
Don't know where it's callin me
I just know it starts
Somewhere in the vicinity of the heart
Well it sure took a while to find it
It's been waiting there all this time
Somewhere in the vicinity of the heart
I feel somethin hittin me awful hard
Don't know where it's callin me
Well I just know it starts
Somewhere in the vicinity of the heart
Somewhere in the vicinity of the heart

relentless

people talk. i hate it. i am starting to pull away all over again. i cant get into this spiral again. i am starting too. i cant fight it or hide it, its relentless. i dont know what to do anymore.

working thru fears

i am scared to death to get close to people. we either have to be related or good friends. i have problems with opening up to people. i keep trying but something in me wont let me close to people. i guess i need to knock down all the walls that surround me, simply because no one can do it for me. i have to do this on my own. when i meet someone i try to maintain my sanity and not show parts of me. i dont wanna anyone to see the angry side of me, or the former alcholic side of me. both of those are not good things for me. i have worked thru both of those however. i worked thru being an alcoholic. most people would have pegged me as a drunk more than an alcoholic. i drank alot, and frequently for a long period of time. i was sober for over 2 years before i took a drink at a party. i did stop after one drink. i was the worst kind of alcohlic. i started to drink and didnt stop. i drank for days at a time, and hid it quite well. i chewed alot of gum and didnt really talk to people. i was working at sears so it was easy to hide. i started to sober up when i began working for cintas. working a job that requires you to drive everywhere, is not contusive to drinking. the other major factor was two small children named Caleb and Ian. my cousins. i love those kids and i want to be a positive role model for them. i want them to be able to look up to me. i cant have children of my own, so they are the ones that mean the most to me. dont get me wrong, if i ever have a partner that has children, i am sure that i would get attached to them. i just want someone to be able to take care of me when i am old. i dont wanna be the old person in the nursing home with no family. i am headed in that direction already. i am trying to stop it at the pass.
i think i am just gonna let me heart take the lead for a change. it is something that i need to do. thinking with my head has got me nowhere. i am gonna start thinking with my heart. while this may be a bad idea, i am still gonna do it. i am gonna see where it takes me.

being strong

Its been almost 6 years since my mom died. I still miss her. I miss her alot. Its hard to explain really. One day shes there and the next shes not. It rocked me, I am not gonna deny that. I was 23 years old. Thats too young to lose a parent. Well, any age is too young to lose a parent. My mom lost her parents at 13 and 17, so she knows how it felt. However, we cant really talk about it can we? I almost cant believe its been 6 years. Sometimes I feel like it was yesterday and sometimes I feel like it was 10 years ago. I have so much going on in my life right now that I would like for her to be a part of. Oh well, there is nothing that I can do at this point. I just miss her, and it still hurts.

Navy

I just had a navy recruiter call me. Is it to late for me to join? I would just do the reserves, then work my 2 weeks a year and one weekend a month. I know people think it is a stupid idea, but I am considering it. I mean then I will have 2 paychecks each month, and my life will be stable. for a change. I know my knee isnt strong enough for it, but I can start working out ALOT. I will never see the world, so here is my chance. I know that I would have at least one tour. I wouldnt be able to pick where either. I need to find out if my employer would be ok with this. I dont know. I know that they will give you time off if you are already in the military. I dont know if the 6 weeks of basic and 6 weeks of school would be bad. Thats several months. I wouldnt be able to see my family, and that sucks. I think it would make me a better person, and I would come out as a second lieutenat. Then I could work thru it for 20 years and retire at 49, thats pretty cool right there. Retire full pension. My partner (if I had one) would never get any benefits tho. Stupid system. The bonus that I would get for signing up is pretty good tho. I took that ASVAB for a recruiter a few years ago, and I scored the highest in auto mechanics. Go figure. HA. I would want to do something communications related, or mechanical.

Love and Gravity

Love and gravity
Havin' their way with me
Her faith in me
Is in a tailspin
Heart look out below
Hold on 'cause here we go
Free fallin' from her good graces again
Free fallin' from her good graces again
Out on the edge
That's where I fly
I've gotten good at landin' on her bad side
Words of regret
Haven't bailed me out yet
Love and gravity
Havin' their way with me
Her faith in me
Is in a tailspin
Heart look out below
Hold on 'cause here we go
Free fallin' from her good graces again
Free fallin' from her good graces again
I'm in way deep
Every day of the week
Love and gravity
Havin' their way with me
Her faith in me
Is in a tailspin
Heart look out below
Hold on 'casue here we go
Free fallin' from her good graces again
Free fallin' from her good graces again

my life has been a country song

Don't think I don't think about it

Don't think I don't have regrets

Don't think it don't get to me

Between the work, and the hurt and the whiskey

Don't think I don't worry about

I know what I felt I know what i said

But don't think I don't think about it

We make choices we gotta live with them

Arent we all still learning how to bend?

I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things your way
I'm still learning how to pray
I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
And I'd do anything for us
I'm still learning how to trust
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'll be there till the end
I'm still learning how to bend

random thoughts inside my head

What happens when you send someone flowers? Why did Ford put the gas tank to the Pinto under the seat? I need cars. Why cant people in the company learn to respect me? Why is Lauren so hateful to me? Who knew I could kill it at comedy? Why is Michael Jackon the greatest entertainer in the world? (thats just my opinion). Why cant I make more money? Who knew I was gonna get promoted? (surprised the heck out of me). Why am I so shy when I meet a girl I like? I mean I like girls. Why is this a issue? I learned a new dance this weekend, the Cupid Shuffle. Song is stuck in my head. It was fun but I was sweating, like bad. Now it is back in my head. Damnit. Korb and I went to Time Out. I call her Korbalicious. Everyone gets a nickname with me. For example: Shannon is Trophy Wife, Korb is Korbalicious, Will is Big Willie Style, Drew is Drewsel. There are others that I am in the process of thinking of. Even cars get nicknames. My Mazda for example carried the nickname of Mazdaroddy. The Buick is Bessie. I couldnt get creative on that one. I need a CD player for it really bad. I have a radio hooked up at work, I dont know if thats a good idea, but otherwise I will be asleep on the desk. I am getting a second job. I dont know what I am gonna do. I will probably go paint cars and my friends shop. Maybe some body work. We will see. One of my dreams is to own a shop behind a house and restore a truck. I also want one that I can use to play in the mud. The thoughts in my head are very random. I got a haircut yesterday. I am bring all types of sexy back. HAHAHAHAHHA. It is cute, its short. I like it. Good job, April. I have a swoof on my head! I need cars. The other day I realized that my life is a country song. Seriously. My birthmom was in prison, and I got drunk and went to pick her up in the rain. Not really, but David Allen Coe is on point with the song. ESQI just came out. Not good not good. I need cars. I seriously need cars. Why did Mike not tell anyone he has been in town for 2 months? I wanna slap him just for that. Its not cool to be dragging my best friend around like that. Mike and I must have a talk now. Ha. I am about to drive my car to winston to get a car, but how am I gonna get back? This is stressful. I cant keep pushing this customer back. I am worried that he is gonna get mad. There is nothing I can do at this point. My office is beside a Chinese resturant. I am not impressed. The owner says I am using her parking spots and yelled at me about it last week. That reminds me, my NEW aunt arrives via airplane on July 24th. I am NOT gonna be at the airport for this one. Honestly I dont care, that shes coming in. I know it will be entertaining, and thats what I am looking forward to the sheer entertainment of it all.