The Mistress Daughter

I spend the better part of my weekend reading a book. The Mistress Daughter by A.M. Homes. It hit me hard. She was adopted and met her birthparents, much like i have. It was almost to real to me. There were a few lines in the book that made me think about my situation, my birthmom and my adoptive mom. " I am not my adoptive mothers child, I am not my birthmothers child, I am a amaglam." I can see the meaning in this one. I understand what the book is saying. As an adopted child, we know our adoptive parents, They are our family they are our life.
My birthparents. Donna and Berle. Berle was a travelling salesman. What he was selling, I am not quite sure. Insurance I think. So, they met through a mutal friend. He was almost twenty years older than her. They would meet at the Lemon Tree Inn in Chocowinity. (I think its still there). I would drive past that hotel everytime my parents and I would go to our trailer at Blounts Creek. Had I known, I would have been uncomfortable. They meet at the Lemon Tree Inn (according to what I was told) once every couple of weeks. They thought they were in "love". Let me rephrase, Donna thought she was in love. Berle was married and had a son, (David, my half-brother). They already had one child. Kenneth. They gave him up in 1974. Then Malcolm and I come along in 1979.
My birthmother. I did some research and found that my birthmom had spend some time in Prison. That really upset me. I would have been a ward of the state regardless. Even if she hadnt given me up I would have been taken when that happened. This is not something she ever told, i had to find this out on my own. She did tell me that she was an alcohlic at one point. (Already over came that one!) My birthmother liked to tell me that I had the fat gene. She was a bit overweight. About 400+ pounds when I met her. She had gastic bypass to lose the weight. I weight about 150, so that is alot different from 400+. She did manage to lose alot of weight, she weighted less than me for a while. She had been married when I met her. She got divorced and then had a second husband. They adopted a girl in 1999. It bothered me that someone who gave away children for adoption was allowed to adopt later in life. This made me question the system. She did alot of drugs over the years, and I know she drank while pregnant. I think that one of the reasons that I have learning disabiltites is from some of this. I remember telling her that I have a learning disablity and was a little slower with learning that some people. She immediately got defensive and was like that doesnt run in my family.
I met her in a Barnes and Nobles bookstore with my exgirlfriend , Jill. I made Jill go with me so that I wouldnt have to face anything alone. Jill went and found her and her husband. they came around the corner and every picture/mental image in my head was shattered. She was crying. I wasnt. She took Jill and I to dinner, and I cant really remember where. I know that earlier that day I was worried about what to wear. Jill told me that it wouldnt matter, but for some reason I felt that I should impress this woman who had given me away. I still remember what I wore that night. Kahkis and a blue collared shirt. Dress shoes, and a jacket. It was cold. After the dinner and the meeting, Jill and I climbed into her CRX and went back to her apartment in Raleigh. I was awake most of that night trying to wrap my mind around what had just happened. I was suddenly becoming angry with the situation.
My birthfather. He is old. He was in his 40's when I was born. He owned a charter fishing boat off of Hatteras for years. He has since retired and sold his boat. He now owns (according to the internet, and my friend who was introduced to him, and put two and two together) a wooden bird shop. He sells wooden birds that he carves. I have absolutly NO artistic talent. I can barely draw a stick figure. He has been married mutliple times. Maybe I have those genes and thats why I cant seem to settle down. I hope not tho. He told me on the phone once that he was a good christian man, my response was ok, well I am gay! Needless to say that went well. I wanted to ask him if adultry was a christian value. He commited adultry to produce several children. He asked me on the phone once, "What kind of father do you want me to be?" I was 19 at the time. It has been engrained in my head since that day at Louisburg in my dorm room on the 2nd floor in Merrit Dorm. I remember saying, "I have a father." I then told him that I just wanted to know who he was since I was carrying his blood in my veins. He wanted a DNA test. I agreed. I went to a testing site in Louisburg, and he went to one in Cape Hatteras. About a month later I got a phone call confirming that he was my birthfather. It was nice to know. I knew thats all I wanted. He loves water, and I love water, we like fishing. He was athletic, played sports, so did I.
I have met by brothers. One is an engineer and the other will be a doctor real soon. Its crazy to think that they both are genusies and here I am, renting cars to people. We all have a good sense of humor and the irony in this is that I am gay and one of my brothers is too! Therefore making being gay genetic (not a mental illness).

Wow, I really needed to get that out.
True Story,
Estee