The Mistress Daughter

I spend the better part of my weekend reading a book. The Mistress Daughter by A.M. Homes. It hit me hard. She was adopted and met her birthparents, much like i have. It was almost to real to me. There were a few lines in the book that made me think about my situation, my birthmom and my adoptive mom. " I am not my adoptive mothers child, I am not my birthmothers child, I am a amaglam." I can see the meaning in this one. I understand what the book is saying. As an adopted child, we know our adoptive parents, They are our family they are our life.
My birthparents. Donna and Berle. Berle was a travelling salesman. What he was selling, I am not quite sure. Insurance I think. So, they met through a mutal friend. He was almost twenty years older than her. They would meet at the Lemon Tree Inn in Chocowinity. (I think its still there). I would drive past that hotel everytime my parents and I would go to our trailer at Blounts Creek. Had I known, I would have been uncomfortable. They meet at the Lemon Tree Inn (according to what I was told) once every couple of weeks. They thought they were in "love". Let me rephrase, Donna thought she was in love. Berle was married and had a son, (David, my half-brother). They already had one child. Kenneth. They gave him up in 1974. Then Malcolm and I come along in 1979.
My birthmother. I did some research and found that my birthmom had spend some time in Prison. That really upset me. I would have been a ward of the state regardless. Even if she hadnt given me up I would have been taken when that happened. This is not something she ever told, i had to find this out on my own. She did tell me that she was an alcohlic at one point. (Already over came that one!) My birthmother liked to tell me that I had the fat gene. She was a bit overweight. About 400+ pounds when I met her. She had gastic bypass to lose the weight. I weight about 150, so that is alot different from 400+. She did manage to lose alot of weight, she weighted less than me for a while. She had been married when I met her. She got divorced and then had a second husband. They adopted a girl in 1999. It bothered me that someone who gave away children for adoption was allowed to adopt later in life. This made me question the system. She did alot of drugs over the years, and I know she drank while pregnant. I think that one of the reasons that I have learning disabiltites is from some of this. I remember telling her that I have a learning disablity and was a little slower with learning that some people. She immediately got defensive and was like that doesnt run in my family.
I met her in a Barnes and Nobles bookstore with my exgirlfriend , Jill. I made Jill go with me so that I wouldnt have to face anything alone. Jill went and found her and her husband. they came around the corner and every picture/mental image in my head was shattered. She was crying. I wasnt. She took Jill and I to dinner, and I cant really remember where. I know that earlier that day I was worried about what to wear. Jill told me that it wouldnt matter, but for some reason I felt that I should impress this woman who had given me away. I still remember what I wore that night. Kahkis and a blue collared shirt. Dress shoes, and a jacket. It was cold. After the dinner and the meeting, Jill and I climbed into her CRX and went back to her apartment in Raleigh. I was awake most of that night trying to wrap my mind around what had just happened. I was suddenly becoming angry with the situation.
My birthfather. He is old. He was in his 40's when I was born. He owned a charter fishing boat off of Hatteras for years. He has since retired and sold his boat. He now owns (according to the internet, and my friend who was introduced to him, and put two and two together) a wooden bird shop. He sells wooden birds that he carves. I have absolutly NO artistic talent. I can barely draw a stick figure. He has been married mutliple times. Maybe I have those genes and thats why I cant seem to settle down. I hope not tho. He told me on the phone once that he was a good christian man, my response was ok, well I am gay! Needless to say that went well. I wanted to ask him if adultry was a christian value. He commited adultry to produce several children. He asked me on the phone once, "What kind of father do you want me to be?" I was 19 at the time. It has been engrained in my head since that day at Louisburg in my dorm room on the 2nd floor in Merrit Dorm. I remember saying, "I have a father." I then told him that I just wanted to know who he was since I was carrying his blood in my veins. He wanted a DNA test. I agreed. I went to a testing site in Louisburg, and he went to one in Cape Hatteras. About a month later I got a phone call confirming that he was my birthfather. It was nice to know. I knew thats all I wanted. He loves water, and I love water, we like fishing. He was athletic, played sports, so did I.
I have met by brothers. One is an engineer and the other will be a doctor real soon. Its crazy to think that they both are genusies and here I am, renting cars to people. We all have a good sense of humor and the irony in this is that I am gay and one of my brothers is too! Therefore making being gay genetic (not a mental illness).

Wow, I really needed to get that out.
True Story,
Estee

i just got the spot

lets just say, that everything is really falling into place. i got the spot!!!!

walk toward the light til you find the sun and you'll better off in the long run

Oh ain't life wonderful
When everything is right
But sometimes wonderful
Can fall apart sometimes
When your troubles knock you down
Pick yourself up off the ground and
Walk on
Walk on
Nothing ever stays wrong that long
Walk on
Oh walk on
Don't just stand there in the storm
Walk toward the light till you find the sun
And you'll be better off in the long run
And walk on
Oh it's a heartache when love comes to an end
But even though your heart breaks
You know it's gonna mend
Keep the faith right through goodbye
And don't you ever break your stride
Walk on
Walk on

Somewhere out there is somebody

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop
That you walk right on by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there is somebody

walking away

I'm walking away from some people in my life. In an attempt to find a better day. I have decided to cut ties with some people. Its bad when all you see is the toxic in a person. I am better off and she is better off without me. I kept giving and giving and giving, to get nothing in return. i hardly got a thank you. i know i can support you and take care of all your responsbilites, but all i can do is try. you dont want me to try so i am walking away.


True Story,

Estee

jobs

so, one of the jobs i put in for, someone else got chosen for. thats ok tho. i have another opportunity waiting around the bend. why is that if I treat someone well they treat me like crap? i treat the people i date like gold and i do my best to make it all work out. I get walked on and used. why do people do that? yesterday my roommate told me that she wanted me to get hit by a truck. all because i dont want to date her anymore. she treated me like crap, was never nice to me and i have withstood it all. i meet someone and have to say, hi I live with my ex girlfriend! it never works out. oh well. i just found out who got the job over me. I AM PISSED! oh well.

i can sleep when i'm dead

what option to do? i have a few options thrown on the table in front of me. i dont know what to do. should i do that one thats gonna make me happy or the one that i will just exist at. both are very good options, very good, but how do i make them work? thats all i want to know. what do i need to do?

true story,
estee

if you would meet me halfway

why wont you meet me halfway? all i am asking is meet me halfway, realize that i do care, and that i am getting my life figured out.

True Story,
Estee

Speed

I'm tired of spinning my wheels
I need to find a place where my heart can go to heal
I need to get there pretty quick
Hey, mister, what you got out on that lot
You can sell me in a pinch
Maybe one of them supped-up muscle cars
The kind that makes you think you're stronger than you are
Color don't matter, no, I don't need leather seats
All that really concerns me is
Speed
How fast will it go
Can it get me over her quickly, zero to sixty
Can it outrun her memory
Yeah, what I really need is an open road And a whole lot of speed
I'd like to trade in this old truck
Cuz it makes me think of her and then just slows me up
See, it's the first place we made love
Where we used to sit and talk on the tailgate all night long
But now she's gone
And I need to move on
So give me
Speed
How fast will it go
Can it get me over her quickly, zero to sixty
Can it outrun her memory
Yeah, what I really need is an open road
And a whole lot of speed
Throw me them keys so I can put some miles between us
Tear off that rearview mirror, there's nothing left to see
Let me lean on that gas cuz she catches up fast
So give me
Speed
How fast will it go
Can it get me over her quickly, zero to sixty
Can it outrun her memory
Yeah, what I really need is an open road
And a whole lot of speed
That's what I need
I'm tired of spinnin' my wheels
I'm tired of spinnin' my wheels

i keep telling myself this is the right thing to do

I keep tellin myself this is the right thing to do
She was wastin my time, waitin on dreams that just weren't comin true
And this old highway seems to understand
Leadin me on to somewhere that no one can judge me
I got the window rolled down, I got the radio up
I'm doin all that I can to get my mind off us
What I need to do is turn this car around
Drive as fast as I can til I see the lights of her hometown
And run to her, take her in my arms
Make her see how upset I am, well that shouldn't be so hard
But I drive on, and on, and on
Eighty-seven more miles gets me into Greenville
There's a cousin of mine who says he might get me hired at the plant
Or maybe head down south to Charleston, South Carolina
I know my cousin Karen, has got a couch where I can sleep
Now the sun's goin down on my broken heart
Lord, I gotta go back before I get too far
What I need to do is turn this car around
Drive as fast as I can til I see the lights of her hometown
And run to her, take her in my arms
Make her see how upset I am, well that shouldn't be so hard
But I drive on, and on, and on
But I drive on
Yes I drive on, and on, and on
Knowin what I need to do

making someone look bad....

I try to live by a general rule of being nice and helping people out. No matter if its a flat tire, a oil change, or some general advice. However, I will no longer help people when it comes to big decsions, like employment. You can get the job on your own accord. I will no longer be a reference for people, or even talk to my supervisor about you. If you get a job on your own accord and we happen to work together, do not shun me. If I can help you with the job, let me help you. This is suppose to be a fun and friendly place to work where teamwork rules. Just remember that. I will never vouch for you again, not when it comes to work. I dont want to sound selfish but this makes me look bad too. I got you hired and now you are just gonna roll out. Thats selfish and stupid. Oh well.....dont do me any favors.

True Story,
Estee

Theres gotta be something more

Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and thats for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine
There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than thisI need a little less hard timeI need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more
Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before die
Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best belive that I'm not gonna wait
Cause there's gotta be something more
I get home 7:30 the house is dirty, but it can wait
Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door but I ain't gonna answer thats for sure.
There's gotta be something more!

i really miss my mom

Ive changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side
I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober
I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopelessits a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this
I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober
I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah
I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober
I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah
I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

attachments

we all meet people and get attached to them. what do we do when they cut and run? we cut and run too. thats apparently what happens with me at least. i think things are going well, and then I realize that they are not at all.......