working thru fears

i am scared to death to get close to people. we either have to be related or good friends. i have problems with opening up to people. i keep trying but something in me wont let me close to people. i guess i need to knock down all the walls that surround me, simply because no one can do it for me. i have to do this on my own. when i meet someone i try to maintain my sanity and not show parts of me. i dont wanna anyone to see the angry side of me, or the former alcholic side of me. both of those are not good things for me. i have worked thru both of those however. i worked thru being an alcoholic. most people would have pegged me as a drunk more than an alcoholic. i drank alot, and frequently for a long period of time. i was sober for over 2 years before i took a drink at a party. i did stop after one drink. i was the worst kind of alcohlic. i started to drink and didnt stop. i drank for days at a time, and hid it quite well. i chewed alot of gum and didnt really talk to people. i was working at sears so it was easy to hide. i started to sober up when i began working for cintas. working a job that requires you to drive everywhere, is not contusive to drinking. the other major factor was two small children named Caleb and Ian. my cousins. i love those kids and i want to be a positive role model for them. i want them to be able to look up to me. i cant have children of my own, so they are the ones that mean the most to me. dont get me wrong, if i ever have a partner that has children, i am sure that i would get attached to them. i just want someone to be able to take care of me when i am old. i dont wanna be the old person in the nursing home with no family. i am headed in that direction already. i am trying to stop it at the pass.
i think i am just gonna let me heart take the lead for a change. it is something that i need to do. thinking with my head has got me nowhere. i am gonna start thinking with my heart. while this may be a bad idea, i am still gonna do it. i am gonna see where it takes me.

being strong

Its been almost 6 years since my mom died. I still miss her. I miss her alot. Its hard to explain really. One day shes there and the next shes not. It rocked me, I am not gonna deny that. I was 23 years old. Thats too young to lose a parent. Well, any age is too young to lose a parent. My mom lost her parents at 13 and 17, so she knows how it felt. However, we cant really talk about it can we? I almost cant believe its been 6 years. Sometimes I feel like it was yesterday and sometimes I feel like it was 10 years ago. I have so much going on in my life right now that I would like for her to be a part of. Oh well, there is nothing that I can do at this point. I just miss her, and it still hurts.

Navy

I just had a navy recruiter call me. Is it to late for me to join? I would just do the reserves, then work my 2 weeks a year and one weekend a month. I know people think it is a stupid idea, but I am considering it. I mean then I will have 2 paychecks each month, and my life will be stable. for a change. I know my knee isnt strong enough for it, but I can start working out ALOT. I will never see the world, so here is my chance. I know that I would have at least one tour. I wouldnt be able to pick where either. I need to find out if my employer would be ok with this. I dont know. I know that they will give you time off if you are already in the military. I dont know if the 6 weeks of basic and 6 weeks of school would be bad. Thats several months. I wouldnt be able to see my family, and that sucks. I think it would make me a better person, and I would come out as a second lieutenat. Then I could work thru it for 20 years and retire at 49, thats pretty cool right there. Retire full pension. My partner (if I had one) would never get any benefits tho. Stupid system. The bonus that I would get for signing up is pretty good tho. I took that ASVAB for a recruiter a few years ago, and I scored the highest in auto mechanics. Go figure. HA. I would want to do something communications related, or mechanical.

Love and Gravity

Love and gravity
Havin' their way with me
Her faith in me
Is in a tailspin
Heart look out below
Hold on 'cause here we go
Free fallin' from her good graces again
Free fallin' from her good graces again
Out on the edge
That's where I fly
I've gotten good at landin' on her bad side
Words of regret
Haven't bailed me out yet
Love and gravity
Havin' their way with me
Her faith in me
Is in a tailspin
Heart look out below
Hold on 'cause here we go
Free fallin' from her good graces again
Free fallin' from her good graces again
I'm in way deep
Every day of the week
Love and gravity
Havin' their way with me
Her faith in me
Is in a tailspin
Heart look out below
Hold on 'casue here we go
Free fallin' from her good graces again
Free fallin' from her good graces again

my life has been a country song

Don't think I don't think about it

Don't think I don't have regrets

Don't think it don't get to me

Between the work, and the hurt and the whiskey

Don't think I don't worry about

I know what I felt I know what i said

But don't think I don't think about it

We make choices we gotta live with them

Arent we all still learning how to bend?

I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things your way
I'm still learning how to pray
I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
And I'd do anything for us
I'm still learning how to trust
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'll be there till the end
I'm still learning how to bend

random thoughts inside my head

What happens when you send someone flowers? Why did Ford put the gas tank to the Pinto under the seat? I need cars. Why cant people in the company learn to respect me? Why is Lauren so hateful to me? Who knew I could kill it at comedy? Why is Michael Jackon the greatest entertainer in the world? (thats just my opinion). Why cant I make more money? Who knew I was gonna get promoted? (surprised the heck out of me). Why am I so shy when I meet a girl I like? I mean I like girls. Why is this a issue? I learned a new dance this weekend, the Cupid Shuffle. Song is stuck in my head. It was fun but I was sweating, like bad. Now it is back in my head. Damnit. Korb and I went to Time Out. I call her Korbalicious. Everyone gets a nickname with me. For example: Shannon is Trophy Wife, Korb is Korbalicious, Will is Big Willie Style, Drew is Drewsel. There are others that I am in the process of thinking of. Even cars get nicknames. My Mazda for example carried the nickname of Mazdaroddy. The Buick is Bessie. I couldnt get creative on that one. I need a CD player for it really bad. I have a radio hooked up at work, I dont know if thats a good idea, but otherwise I will be asleep on the desk. I am getting a second job. I dont know what I am gonna do. I will probably go paint cars and my friends shop. Maybe some body work. We will see. One of my dreams is to own a shop behind a house and restore a truck. I also want one that I can use to play in the mud. The thoughts in my head are very random. I got a haircut yesterday. I am bring all types of sexy back. HAHAHAHAHHA. It is cute, its short. I like it. Good job, April. I have a swoof on my head! I need cars. The other day I realized that my life is a country song. Seriously. My birthmom was in prison, and I got drunk and went to pick her up in the rain. Not really, but David Allen Coe is on point with the song. ESQI just came out. Not good not good. I need cars. I seriously need cars. Why did Mike not tell anyone he has been in town for 2 months? I wanna slap him just for that. Its not cool to be dragging my best friend around like that. Mike and I must have a talk now. Ha. I am about to drive my car to winston to get a car, but how am I gonna get back? This is stressful. I cant keep pushing this customer back. I am worried that he is gonna get mad. There is nothing I can do at this point. My office is beside a Chinese resturant. I am not impressed. The owner says I am using her parking spots and yelled at me about it last week. That reminds me, my NEW aunt arrives via airplane on July 24th. I am NOT gonna be at the airport for this one. Honestly I dont care, that shes coming in. I know it will be entertaining, and thats what I am looking forward to the sheer entertainment of it all.