some company

what would you say if you found out today would really be your last would you try to bargain with god would you take the chance grab hold of the hands of your family and friends tell them all just what they meant would you know what to say would you know what to do when they stared at you wide-eyed and laughing saying hey are you crazy man i don’t have time for this c’mon i’m gonna miss my favorite show lately i find nobody’s got the time to even say hello it’s nice to see you but i gotta go just want to find someone not always on the run who’ll sit down for a while remember what it’s like to smile well now i’ m heading south gonna learn to shut my mouth and listen to the people and their places and their stories before i turn to judge then i will see the crutch i’ve been leaning on far too long gotta learn to stand on my own and i’ll be the first to admit i don’t know exactly how to slow down like a neverending song but it won’t be long till i’m counting every breath and every heartbeat would you like to join me i sure could use some company just the other day went walking with a friend in downtown boston where we saw a homeless man begging for spare change just trying to feed his kids when i bent down to give a dime my friend just shook his head c’mon skott don’t you know this guy’s just gonna go get himself all liquored up spent the night drinking away well i just don’t buy that line ‘sides for me it’s just a dime and what about the chance that this money makes it home that’s a truth some people never want to know well i know what i’d say if i found out today would really be my last i wouldn’t bargain with god i would walk the streets tell everyone i meet that i love them and i know that they could be anything they want anything they dream all it takes is a dream to send you flying and all i want now is to renounce who i’ve been in hopes that i’ll become a better person god knows we all could be one

Giving it all.....

So, i got some news from home on Wednesday. I am still stunned, and cant seem to shake it. A guy I knew for years, hung out with, went on a date or several with, got killed while responding to a Domestic Disturbance. He left behind 2 small children. I know that peole who get into Law Enforcement do the best they can to protect everyone else. I have considered it more than once, and was considering it recently. This is making me change my mind. My dad said it best: "If you join a PD, there will not be a day that goes by that I will not worry about you." I dont have kids or a spouse, so I felt for years that I would enjoy being a police officer. I applied wiht the Highway Patrol, (knee wasnt happy and kept me out.) I know how it feels to lose someone close to you at this kind of sacrafice, but I am one of the few people willing to take that chance. I have been trying for 3 years to get enlisted inthe National Guard. My knee keeps preventing that. I cant figure it out, but for some reason, I really want to join now, and avenge all this craziness. I know thats not a solution and never would be. However, we were always told, that Everybody is gonna give something, but some of us were gonna give it all. I am sure some of you would be disappointed in a decison to Enlist and spend the next 4 years tied down, but as soon as the knee is healed and I can run 2 miles again, I am gonna resign the papers. The only thing I can do while I ma here is protect the people I love, and give everything I can. Thats what I fully intend to do.

Adoption

I see so many celeberties adopting children from other countries. My question is why? There are so many kids here in America that need to be adopted. Anyone who adopts a child is willing to give their all, heart and soul to a child. I know this firsthand.
I see pictures of celeberties with thier kids that they have adopted and thats wonderful, they are a happy family. The kids may not look like them at all, but as a coiety we have taken a liking to these familes.
I am not downing celeberties who adopt at all. If anything I of ALL PEOPLE should accept it. I would just like to see a celeberty adopt a child from America.

starting over

So I have too much to do between now and feb 15th. I have to get 4 background checks at 25 bucks a piece. looks like my app packet will go in on the last day better late than never I guess. I am getting up the nerve to go back to school. To start over, to get a degree that i WILL use. Its looking like nursing or occuptional therapy or radiology. Its just a matter of getting my college loan outta default so I can go back. I am working on that hard, pinching pennies.

Thanksgiving

So, I guess I should update on my Thanksgiving adventures.
I left work Wednesday and drove to Pitt County. I arrived about 9pm. Dad and I went to IHOP, its a tradition when I go home now. I was so tired after working all day, and then driving 3 hours, soI crashed soon after that.
Thursday morning, I got up and did my morning routine, bowl of Cheerios, complaining it to early, etc. We had to be at my Aunt Carol Ann's house at Noon. We left our house and went up ot hers to eat lunch, I got to see all my cousins, everyone. I even met OOPS for the first time. You may be asking who OOPS is. He is my cousin from my Uncles second marriage, to a girl from the Phillipenes. His name isnt OOPS, its William Walter Gaskins II. Hes named after my Great Grandfather. We were all questioning paternity, because the baby doesnt look like a Gaskins at all, but I digress.
We left there and went home and relaxed until we had to go back at 6pm for dinner, there was enough food for a small army!
Friday: There was NO WAY I was gonna go shopping on Black Friday. I worked retail for several years, and I know the chaos, I will wait a couple weeks. So, I went Deer hunting. Did I see a deer? NO.
Saturday: Same as Friday, Deer hunting. I saw no deer tho.
Sunday: I went to lunch with dad at Cracker Barrel. I left about 3 to start the journey back. I stoped in Burlington at Buffalo Wild Wings to meet Dawn and the kids. We were there til about 8pm, watched the Carolina game. (I am not a Carolina fan!) The funniest moment was wen I was walking thru the resturant to go to the restroom and I look up and there is my ex, whom I havent seen in years, because she is too good to talk to me now. She looked up at me, then looked down. I saw her girlfriend say something to her, and i just laughed. When I got to my house, there was a Christmas tree, that aparently my roommates got out of a junkyard. (Dont ask).
True Story,
Estee

decisons

So,I have decided that I want a family. if I have to do it alone, so be it. If I am not in a permament relationship by the time I am 35, then I am gonna either adopt or use a surrogate. I think Id make a pretty good parent. I know itwill be tough, but if i have to do it alone, so be it.
Ok, sorry for the ramble.

True Story,
Estee

speaking

I remember 2001-2004 being the roughest years of my life to date. I was dating someone who apparently thought I was completly incompetent. I remember her saying to me.."do you hear the shit you say? its all dumb shit." it made sense in my head. I remember I didnt talk to anyone for a long time after that happened. A long time. I do stutter, and i put words in the wrong place in sentences. I am excepting that yes I stutter on occasion, and sometimes I am a complete idiot. Ya'll gotta deal with it tho.


True Story,
Estee

History in the making

Don’t move Baby Don’t move
Awww look at you
I just want to take this in
The moonlight dancing off your skin
Our time Lets take our time
I just want to look in your eyes and catch my breath
Cause I just got a feeling
This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to, one we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The door to forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making
Inside, baby inside
Can you feel the butterflies?
Floating all around
Cause I can sure feel them now
Tonight, maybe tonight
Is a start of a beautiful ride that will never end
And baby I’ve got a feeling
This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to, One we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The door to forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making
Right here, right now
Holding you in my arms
This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, we want to cling to, One that we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The door to forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making

new things

So, I got a text on Monday morning, that my Cousin was on the way to the hospital to give birth to her third child. We knew it was gonna be a girl. Madelyn Christine, 7 pounds 7 ounces. 21 inches long. I saw a picture of her and had tears in my eyes. Family is the most important thing in my life. I wish I could have been there for the birth. I looked at a friend of mine and said, the third good reason for me to keep trying to get in the Army was just born. I know I am nothing but a cousin to her and her brothers, but I fully intend to give everything I can to them. If I am successful in getting into the Army, then I will be defending a country that I love. I am doing it for them more than anything. I want them to grow up in a safe enviroment. A place that they will always feel safe, and when they go to sleep at night, know that they are being protected. I have accepted that if I am sucessful in joining the Army, there is the real possibility that I will go overseas and fight. There is also, a chance that i may not come home when I go overseas. If I dont come back, at least they will know that I have counted up the cost, and know the sacrifice.

True Story,
Estee

I should be sleeping

I never knew there were such great movies
On TV at 3 a.m.
I'd never guessed at a midnight Tuesday
I could have pizza ordered in
I've never been a real night-owl
But these days I'm all turned 'round
There's only one thing I'm sure of right now
I should be sleeping,
'stead of keeping
These late hours I've been keeping
I've been pacing and retracing
Every step of every move
An even though I'm feeling so right
I'm so happy,still I knowI should be sleeping,
'stead of dreamin' about you
I never knew I was funny
'Til I went and made you laugh
I never liked a girl that called me: "Honey"
But you did,I like that
I keep thinking about your smile
Tryin' to read between the lines
Looks like I'll be here for a while
I should be sleeping,'stead of keeping
These late hours I've been keeping
I've been pacing and retracing
Every step of every move
An even though I'm feeling so right
I'm so happy,still I knowI should be sleeping,'stead of dreamin' about you
After just three days
One great kiss
It's way too soon
To be obsessin'like this
I should be sleeping,'stead of keeping
These late hours I've been keeping
I've been pacing and retracing
Every step of every move
An even though I'm feeling so right
I'm so happy,still I knowI should be sleeping,'stead of dreamin' about you

Best repo ever

Best repo ever
I work for a rental car company and from time to time I have to go repo cars that people don’t return. Yesterday I had to repo one. My employee, we will call him……Kase……went with me. Kase is 6 foot 5 300 pounds bald headed black man. He sang at the top of his lungs to PINK the whole way to the repo.
We get to the trailer to do the repo, and I realized I have done repos there before. I knock on the door, and a crack head flings the door open.
He said WHA!@#&*.
Then he realized that there was a little white girl in a business suit at his door.
So he says "What you here to take the kids?"
"No….. (Hand gesture) but I can make a call to help ya with that."
Kase:" we are here to pick up the rental."
Customer: "My sons got it he at work."
After he says that a truck pulls up and this white guy gets out and he is dressed nice, and was like “ya'll, ok need some help?”
No.
He sees the customer, and they exchange words, money and other objects (hand gesture) on the porch.
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!
The customer tells me, he is going to get the car, so he jumps in his Durango and drives like he is on the Dukes of Hazard at full speed in the rain. Spinning tires, almost hit the A-team van we had driven there.
Comes back empty handed.
I figured as much.We ask him again where his son works, he was like…………he at work, he at work.
We give him his options.
We pass at cop, so I flag him down just to help get some info from the customer.
I tell him the customer’s name. He was like I was just there yesterday.So the cops gets the sons name and number and talks to me about it.
I said "I assume the son is Street Pharmaceutical Sales."
Officer responded with, "Yup, he’s your guy."
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?
We wind up leaving with no truck, no keys, but we did keep our pride.The moral of this is don’t walk up to trailers in a business suit containing a crack head.
Just saying.

Aint it Funny how a Melody can bring back a memory?

So, I am back to another wonder week in life. Its almost friday, so yay. I am still coping with being 30. I remmber being a child and my uncle turned 30 and I thought he was old, but still the coolest cat i knew! HAHA!

Its been a long damn week. But its almost over.
Work is stressing me out. What else is new? I just know tommorow is friday, i have 2 reservations and a grasshoppers game to go too.
My senior class is trying to have a picnic this fall back home..............I'll go if there is whiskey and someone goes with me. I dont talk to most of them for a reason.......... I wouldnt wanna go back to AGHS if I didnt have too. HA.
Chris is getting married in October in Ocracoke. I got my invite finally, Now I gotta find a decent suit and someone who can put up with me for a weekend at the beach. I think he is gettign married on his sisters fall break, makes sense so she can attend I guess.
I need to call him. That reminds me.

True Story,
Estee

Life is a Treadmill

So, I am starting to feel like Life is a Treadmill. I keep running, to a destination that is never clear. I am tired of the stress, the lack of sleep etc. I am tired of being tired. August sucks for me so bad. I keep climbing and falling, but I keep on trying.

My next thirty years

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years
Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years
My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years
Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years
My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

people like to get me riled up

So, there are a few things I am passionate about. Not many at all, but a few. One of those is my opinion on things. Sometimes I will budge, other times I wont. One example is this- Gay rights- I will budge a little one, because I know that I can never marry my partner here in NC. WE should be able to have equal rights but its never gonna happen. Enough of that.
A few days ago a friend asked me if I thought a man had actually ever been to the moon. My answer surprised him. No. I dont think anyone has. If they have, why havent they been back? We go and orbit the earth 900 times, but we never go back to the moon. I know that Space is the Final Frontier (According to Capt. Jean-Luc Picard). I just dont think it happened. I could be wrong, probably am actually.
The moon landing took place during the Nixon administration. I guess there needed to be a bright spot in his administration admist Vietnam, and Watergate. (Everyone I have asked about Nixon, did like him). Was this a continuation of former presidental agendas? Kennedy wanted us to be in the space race. (President Kennedy is a whole other topic! I will proceed with it in a moment.) We had all the Apollo missions, and the almost tragedy of Apollo 13. It was something that yes, we needed to do. We did need to go into space, it should have never been a race. Let Russia have the lead for once, but I guess if they did (Sputnik) everyone would panic. On too a topic that I really have formulated my own opinion about. President Kennedy and his assassination. (Sit down this is gonna take a minute.)
Kennedy was the youngest elected president. He was 43 when elected. A young man to be sitting in the Oval Office bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders. He chose Lyndon Johnson as his running mate. I have done a lot of reading about Kennedys presidency, and it seems to me like he didnt even like Johnson. Did Johnson have something to do with the assassination of President Kennedy? Yes, I think he did. I will give you a few reasons why I think so. Johnson was from Texas. He knew Dallas, he also changed the motorcade route at the last moment to it would go right in front of the Texas School Book Depository. He also was in a convertable several cars behind the president. He was wearing a ear piece (much like you use today on your Ipod) hooked to a small radio. He ducked down in the convertable he was in moments BEFORE the shots were fired. (I would already assume guilt). He goes to Parkland Hospital (he is not technically president at this point), and intervenes in the care for the President. He goes to board Air Force One to be sworn in, and gets mad at the Secret Service and others, because they put the Presidents body on the plane first. (A sitting President always enters first.) Then he entered and was sworn in. As soon as he finished his swaring in, he looked at a gentleman behind him and winked. If he was gonna wink, why not just give a thumbs up....geez.
Johnson then put together the Warren Commision, (which included future president Gerald Ford). They said it was all done by Lee Harvey Oswald. Doubtful, very doubtful. I have watched the Zappradaur film, several times, and you see the president move backwards when he is shot in the head. If a bullet had been coming from behind him and it would have from the Texas School Book Depository, he would have lunged forward, not backward. We were all taught in school about the Magic Bullet theory. One bullet hit Kennedy, hit the seat in front of him and pass through it before hitting Governor Connelly. I remember being in US History in middle school and thinking to myself there was no way that could happen. I think we are taught that to make people not think about what really happened.
I went to Dallas in 2004, and I went to the Texas School Book Depository, and looked out the window that Oswald shot out of. I walked the grassy knoll. There is a X on the road where the President was shot. Did Oswald take a shot at the President? Yes, I think he did. His shot was probably the one that hit the President in the back. Yes, the President had more than one wound.
I think alot was covered up in his assassination and Johnson desire to be President. Honestly what did Johnson do? He did the Civil Rights Act (which Kennedy was supportive of), and he threw us into Vietnam. Vietnam....I will leave that one alone, (we should have never been there in the first place.) Ok I am going to get off my sopabox now! Feel free to comment.

True Story,
Estee

I get so tired of wondering why....

Everyone knows I was adopted. Its no secret. My family told me when I was a child. Even though at the time I wasnt sure what that meant. Well here I am less than 2 months from turning 30 and still dont know. I think what gets me is that someone can just give up there kid. I mean really???? I honestly believe my birthmother used adoption as a form of birth control. I know there were 3 of us. It has been brought to my attention that there could even be one more. WHY? Don't get me wrong, I grew up wiht GREAT parents, and a wonderful extended family. I guess I just wanted to know where I came from.
Well I met the Birthmom in 1998. It shattered any image I ever had of her in my mind. In my mind she was the leader of the pack, the CEO, CFO, COO, etc. When in reality she was none of these. I dont understand.
I met the Birthfather too. He was nice enough, but he didnt think I was his. I look just like him! CARBON COPY....I have a picture to prove it.
He claimed that he didnt know either time. I don't know. I think he knew something. I really do.
....to be adopted is to be adapted.... That is the truest statement I know. I think if had never met the birthfamily that things would be different. I am glad I know, since I always wondered. I met them both on my own terms, after giving me away, the least they could do was listen to my terms on something.
Sorry for the rant, but I hold alot of ANGER in my heart about this. Now I am gonna spend my time trying to figure out if I have another sibiling out there. Its hard to search, but I have a birthdate. We will see, I will update as I learn more.

True Story,
Estee

this says it all. :(

i been sittin' here staring at the clock on the wall
and i been layin here praying praying she won't call
it's just another call from home and you'll get it and be gone and i'll be crying
and i'll be beggin you baby
beg you not to leave
but i'll be left here waitingwith my heart on my sleeve
oh for the next time we'll be here
seems like a million years
and i think i'm dying
what do i have to do to make you see
she can't love you like me
why dont you stay
im down on my knees
im so tired of being lonely
don't i give you what you need
when she calls you will go
there is one thing you should know
we dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay
you keep telling me baby
there will come a timewhen you will leave her arms
and forever be in mine
but i don't think that's the truth
and i don't like being used
and i'm tired of waiting
it's too much pain to have to bear
to love a woman you have to share
why dont you stay
im down on my knees
im so tired of being lonely
don't i give you what you need
when she calls you will go
there is one thing you should know
we dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay
i can't take it any longer
but my will is getting stronger
and i think i know just what i have to do
i can't waste another minute
after all that i've put in it
i've given you my best why does she get the best of you
so the next time you find
you wanna leave her bed for mine
why dont you stayim up off my knees
im so tired of being lonely
you cant give me what i need
when she begs you not to go
there is one thing you should know
i dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay

my view of home

Im from the fourth row pew of a old Methodist church
A courthouse clock that still dont work
Where a mans word means everything
Where moms and dads were high school flames and
Gave their children Grandmothers maiden name
Yes, it may not sound like much But its where im from
Where the quarterback dates the homecoming queen
The trucks a Ford and the tractor's green
and amazing grace is what we sing where
Theres a county fair every fall and your friends are there no matter when you call
It may not sound like much but its where im from

All I ask

All I ask of those of you who may read my blog is this. Don't give up on me. I am gonna be ok, its gonna take some time, but I think I will be ok. So just dont give up on me.

Anger

Why am I so angry today? I dont know. Maybe its because I am here by myself....AGAIN. Maybe its because Christi is stressed out too. We are both just on eggshells these days. I keep trying to help out and keep getting asked not too. Why is that everytime I get to the top of a mountain I fall back down it. Its annoying. I wanna stay at the top for once in my life. I feel like I am in a repeative cycle. It is gonna keep happening, I am gonna keep falling, its annoying. i just wanna make it for once.